Dealing with Offences

Over the years in my ministry I have given people counsel with respect to dealing with offences that arise between brethren. From time to time people come to me with a grievance against a brother. They tell me their side of the story. Until I hear the other side of the story, I tell people to realize that I am responding only to what they have told me. I give them counsel based on the information they give me with the reservation that when I hear the other side, my response may be different. Then sometimes I get the other side of the story. Not having been on hand to see for myself what transpired, I am put in the middle. Of course, everyone wants me to believe that they are telling “the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” I generally advise people in these circumstances that I cannot take one person’s side against another in the absence of other witnesses. I am no more bound to believe one person than the other. In fact, I am under commandment of God to be impartial.

1 Timothy 5:21 I charge thee before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, and the elect angels, that thou observe these things without preferring one before another, doing nothing by partiality.

Today, I would like to give a summary of the advice I give to people in these circumstances. This will be a longer meditation since I judge it expedient to put all the information together in one package. I hope this does not weary you.

In circumstances where one brother is offended by another, I give the advice of Him, Whose name is Counseller, even our Lord Jesus Christ (Isaiah 9:6). Nobody knows better than He how to handle these kinds of issues. Here is His word of counsel:

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

First off, this passage is dealing with private offences, where one brother has trespassed against another. This is not a formula for dealing with public offences. Where private offences occur, the first step is that the offended party must go alone to the offender, the one who trespassed against him. At this stage the transaction is strictly between the offended party and the offender, not between the offended party and the offender’s spouse, or his child, or his parent, or his friend. Too often this first step is not strictly observed. If the matter is not resolved in this first step, then the offended party must go again to the offender and take with him one or two more to act as witnesses. The text says “one or two more.” Any more than this is going beyond the commandment of Christ. This is to be done exactly as our Lord prescribed. Remember, He knows best how this should be done. The one or two more are there as witnesses to what transpires as the offended brother seeks to resolve the problem with the offender. They are there to take note of what it said, how it is said, and how it is received. Sometimes another person can be effective in mediating between offended parties. All too often tempers flare when people are dealing with offences and when passion sets in reason ends. When people become emotional, they often do not hear precisely what the other person is saying. They rather hear a version distorted by their emotions. The witnesses can assist in calling attention to this and clarifying what is being communicated. Through their assistance, “every word may be established.” If the issue is not resolved at this stage, then the matter comes before the church for adjudication. If the offender fails to hear the church, then he must be excluded from the fellowship.

However, bear in mind that the witnesses and the church can also judge that the one who was offended may be wrong or may have done wrong. In that case, the person offended must also hear the judgment of the church. It was to this very process that Paul was referring when he wrote the following words:

1 Corinthians 6:1 Dare any of you, having a matter against another, go to law before the unjust, and not before the saints?

2 Do ye not know that the saints shall judge the world? and if the world shall be judged by you, are ye unworthy to judge the smallest matters?

3 Know ye not that we shall judge angels? how much more things that pertain to this life?

4 If then ye have judgments of things pertaining to this life, set them to judge who are least esteemed in the church.

5 I speak to your shame. Is it so, that there is not a wise man among you? no, not one that shall be able to judge between his brethren?

Observe that this passage is dealing with one brother, “any of you,” that has a matter against another brother and, therefore, comes under the law of Matthew 18:15-17. It is Paul’s argument that the church should certainly be able to decide in these matters of controversy. The church judges the claims and counterclaims between the parties. Therefore, if you are offended against another and you bring the matter before the scrutiny of witness and then before the church, be prepared to face whatever you may have done amiss in the matter. Before pursuing a brother before witnesses or before the church, consider that your cause may not always appear to others as it appears to you.

Proverbs 18:17 He that is first in his own cause seemeth just; but his neighbour cometh and searcheth him.

That is why Solomon also gives us this warning:

Proverbs 25:8 Go not forth hastily to strive, lest thou know not what to do in the end thereof, when thy neighbour hath put thee to shame.

So give very serious and prayerful consideration to the matter before pursuing a brother according to Matthew 18. Do not act in haste.

It is very important to bear in mind that when you pursue a brother according to Matthew 18, the matter can end up with that brother being excluded from the church. Therefore, if someone has trespassed against you, you have to ask yourself if the matter is serious enough to you to run the risk of that brother being excluded from the church. If you do not judge the matter to be so grave as to warrant a possible loss of church fellowship with the offender, then you have another option given to you in the law of Christ. That option is to overlook the offence as the following passage suggests:

Proverbs 19:11 The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.

Sometimes the best way to deal with a transgression is just to let it go, to just forget about it. Observe in this passage that passing over a transgression is connected with deferring anger. A wise man is one who is not quick to react with anger every time someone crosses him. If someone upsets you, step back from the situation, calm down, and think through the situation with your mind rather than with your emotions. If you become angry too quickly and react too quickly in that anger, you are going to cause a lot of trouble.

Proverbs 14:29 He that is slow to wrath is of great understanding: but he that is hasty of spirit exalteth folly.

We would all get along a lot better if we would practice the wisdom of the following passage:

James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

We should realize that we all offend others.

James 3:2 For in many things we offend all.

Just as surely as people rub you the wrong way, you also rub people the wrong way. We are all sinners. In order to get along with each other, we all have to learn forgiveness and forbearance.

Colossians 3:13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

To forbear another is to bear with, have patience with, put up with, or tolerate another. There are things in other people about which it is just best to keep your mouth shut and put up with it. Do you want people getting upset with you and jumping all over you every time you say or do something that offends them? Obviously, none of us wants that. Then let us treat others as we want them to treat us and not get on their case every time they cross us.

Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

So to sum it all up, when someone offends you, you have two choices. If you judge it to be serious enough, you must follow the procedure given by our Lord in Matthew 18:15-17. If you do not judge the offence to be serious enough to warrant those steps, then you have the choice to pass over it, to overlook it. You may simply drop it. And if you can’t drop it, then you need to pursue Matthew 18:15-17.

Do you profess to be a Christian, a follower of Christ? Then I have shown you how Christ teaches you to handle offences. To react to an offence by going on a backbiting, whispering campaign against the offender is simply not an option for a Christian. Furthermore, backbiting and whispering are offences that warrant exclusion from the church. To leave the church in a huff without taking Biblical steps to resolve the matter is also not an option for a Christian. You have no right to claim to be a follower of Christ, if you do not handle offences His way.

1 John 2:4 He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.