Unsolicited Advice

Are you one of those people who spend advice freely even when it is not asked for? You mean well. Whenever you hear of a problem, you want to fix it. You want to help people because you care. But have you ever noticed that very often your advice is not followed? The reason for this is likely because your advice was not sought in the first place. You just gave it anyway.

Solomon, the wisest of men, teaches us that it is a wise man who will take advice.

Proverbs 1:5 A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels:

Proverbs 9:9 Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase in learning.

But the reason a wise man will so readily receive advice is because he seeks it!

Proverbs 15:14 The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness.

Proverbs 18:15 The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.

Our Lord also taught that it is the seeker that finds.

Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

In fact, our Lord likened the kingdom of heaven to a man seeking goodly pearls and finding “one pearl of great price.”

Matthew 13:45 Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls:
46 Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.

Here is an interesting verse in this connection:

Proverbs 20:5 Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.

There are people who are not free with their advice. They keep their advice deep down within them. But a man of understanding who wants to learn will find ways to draw that counsel out of them. It may take some time and probing, but he will not pass up good counsel if he thinks it is to be had. He will make an effort to draw it out. A man of understanding will leave no stone unturned in his effort to get answers.

While a wise man will seek counsel, a fool and a scorner will not only not seek advice, they will despise and reject it when it is given.

Proverbs 1:22 How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity? and the scorners delight in their scorning, and fools hate knowledge?
23 Turn you at my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto you.
24 Because I have called, and ye refused; I have stretched out my hand, and no man regarded;
25 But ye have set at nought all my counsel, and would none of my reproof:…
30 They would none of my counsel: they despised all my reproof.

Proverbs 15:12 A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise.

It has been said that when there is a student, there will be a teacher. One must have a desire to learn before he will learn. A man is not as likely to follow advice that he is not looking for. I know I have spent a lot of time advising people on how to handle a problem and my advice has not been followed. But when I think back on it, when the person told me his/her problem, they did not ask for advice on how to handle it. They were just venting or complaining. They were not seeking a solution.

Now to be sure, sometimes we just want to talk about our problem. I have found that often in talking out a problem with a friend, as I bring the problem before him I am actually getting it out of me and in front of me so as to more objectively consider it. In so doing, I sometimes find the answer. That is one thing. But then there are times when we just want to complain because we want attention and sympathy or we want someone else to rescue us from something that is ours to deal with. This is not healthy. People who do this a lot should not be surprised if others avoid them. We only have so much sympathy to give to others before we become weary with the complaining. At that point we just want to tell that person something like this: “Look! This is the hand you have been dealt. Just deal with it.” And when you think about it, that isn’t bad advice. However, it is apt to be resented by a chronic complainer.

Sometimes the wisest thing to do is to step back and let the person with the problem suffer to the point where they genuinely want a solution. When they are ready for an answer, then they are more apt to seek it. And that is when your advice will do the most good.

So next time someone brings a problem to you, but does not seek advice, just listen and see if they come up with an answer. If they keep coming to you with the same set of complaints, ask the person if they are just venting or do they want a solution. That may just set them to thinking about what they are doing. When they ask for your advice, then meekly give it. If they insist on continuing to complain and you suspect that they will resent and reject any advice you attempt to give, you may just have to back off and leave them to their choice. Scripture will support such a decision.

Proverbs 9:7 He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot.
8 Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.

Proverbs 23:9 Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.

In conclusion, a good suggestion is to be sparing and selective with your advice. If you would save yourself some time, breath, and frustration, it might be a good idea to withhold your advice until it is sought.